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The PSP, or Pretty Shitty Portable is a Sony handheld system, famously known for having one screen rather than the double... um... ness of the two-screened DS, made by EVIL rival company Nintendo. The Nintendo DS is way more homosexual however. It is less expensive and has two screen action (and one's a touch-screen) extra useful for )! The game Lumines made the PSP famous as a tool used for brainwashing and propaganda.

History

It was also later used as a mean for soldiers to scout for Wi-Fi connections in the field during the second World War. These connections could then be hacked into, granting the Allied powers access to valuable information and enemy secrets, and the ability to upload rootkits to the German defenses.

However the invention did not stop there. In 1944, the closing years of the war, soldiers started using it as a means to safely look around corners. Sadly, this did not last long; the following year the mirror was invented by NASA at high costs in research and development, thus making the PSP's shiny screen unnecessary.

Trials conducted by Cuban Guerrilla forces using arrays of iPod Nano screens to focus the power of the sun into a terrible weapon of mass destruction have only resulted in limited success, due to the tendency of the Nano's screen to spontaneously become horribly scratched moments after removing the unit from its packaging.

UMD

Utility of Mass Destruction

In 1976, an event known as the "Hacker Sacking" occurred. Twelve Japanese soldiers, busy breaking into an American network, were ambushed and taken back to an American base hidden in sacks; the Japanese soldiers were unable to defend themselves whilst using their PSPs. The Japanese government decided that anyone busy operating a PSP would have to have some chance of defending themselves. A team of researchers came up with the idea for the UMD: when a small catch on the front of the PSP was released, a small but effective nuclear disk was launched out towards the target. The blast from the disk was strong enough to take down two tanks within close proximity or fifty soldiers.

The effectiveness of the UMD was questioned in 1984, after a number of Japanese soldiers had been among the fatalities of their own UMD's. In recent years, UMD's have apparently been remarketed in a number of Eastern European countries as an effective, low cost, drain unclogger. UMD's are also used by Ninjas to attack evil-sexy-Barbie dolls from a distance.

"Universal" Media Disc

"Universal Media Disk" is a backronym for UMD. This term refers to the fact that the UMD will only run on the PSP and will universally be useless for any other machine, player, or console. Sony views this as a personal accomplishment, and laughs at those who do not see it their way. Nintendo attempted support for the UMD, but fell short after discovering you have to do actual work in order to make good things.

Firmware Upgrades

A source of much annoyance among the homebrew software development community is the regular firmware upgrades released by Sony which disables third-party code running on the PSP. Updates are forcibly administered by swarms of Sony branded nanites; failure to comply with the nanites intentions usually ends with them reassembling your entire molecular structure into a particularly pungent variety of French cheese. However the actual reason for these upgrades is to mask the fact that the PSP is actually built upon the obsolete hardware of a hyper-intelligent 5th generation Japanese toaster oven. To prove this claim, simply insert a urine drenched swab into the PSP's USB socket. The unit will, as any reputable Japanese home appliance does, issue a detailed report on your physical health including blood sugar, cholesterol, and lead-based paint consumption levels. Just recently, the firmware update 6.66 was released giving the PSP the ability to have wifi anywhere, even in hell.

Some Currently Released Games

• Midnight Club 3: Boob Edition
• Hitler
• Hitler II
• Hot Shots Golf: Morning Tea
• Ape Escape: Escape the Monkey
• Ape Escape Preschool
• Hill Commander
• GTA: Vatican City Stories
• Metal Gear L$D
• Metal Gear Methamphetamine
• GTA: Town City Stories
• GTA: Iraq
• Tony Hawk's Public Bus Scheduler MAX
• Grass Farmer - Banned, later ported onto the DS titled "Animal Crossing: Wild World".
• Splinter Cell: I'm Invisible Even If I Stand One Centimeter Away From You So Long as Its an Obscure Shadow even though I have glowing green goggles II
• Saving Private Ryan II: Hitler's Revenge
• Racing Drivers Shiny Extreme Max Orgasm Trucks N' Ducks
• Party at the Palms: Kill all Fuckers Edition
• BLOCOM: U.S. Gravy Meals
• Lord of the Rings Craptics
• Uncyclopedia I & II: The Original Editions
• Uncyclopedia III
• Uncyclopedia III: The Official Expansion Pack
• Uncyclopedia IV
• Basketball in the Ghetto featuring Bill Clinton
• Bible Buddies the Third Wave
• Price Soarin' Worthin' It
• Bleh!: The Dracula Trials
• Bleh!: The Dracula Trials II
• Call of Duty 4: Return of the Hitler
• Star Wars Attack of the Hoes
• Leggo My Eggo Star Wars
• WWE Smackup: Roid Rage
• Liberal Professor: Holocaust Denial
• Filibuster Foulup: Ted Kennedy
• DoomQuake VI: An Excuse to sell Trent Reznor Songs that nobody wanted to buy anyway
• Fifa street 2:After buying a PSP they couldnt afford a pitch.
• And the most importantly noted, the Godly Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops, starring Big Boss. Using an analogy made by him, "Playing me is playing God, I'm the only one who can break that rule. I make my own rules".

PSP's game library has the unofficial motto of "Sports 'n Ports".

So, what does that make the DS? "NES 'n GBA and don't forget SNES Ports"?

Yes. It does.

Every Game That Will Ever Be Released For It, Ever

• Full priced port of a PS2 title with only one analogue stick
• Full priced port of a PS2 title with only one analogue stick 2
• Riiiiiiiidge Racer/Full priced port of a PS2 title with only one analogue stick
• Final Fantasy: The full priced port of a NES title 2: Return of the 3-hour battery
• Sonic The Hedgehog: Crack Edition ported from the PS2 with only one analogue stick
• Castlevania: The full priced port of a NES title 2: With the same sucky graphics
• Crash Bandicoot: The full priced port of a Playstation One title
• Tux Racer: The open source port of the Linux version: needs hacked V1.1 PSP Firmware to play and if you do we'll sue you

Price

The PSP "Value Pack" was originally released in the United States with a price tag of an arm, a leg, and your left testicle. It is important to note that in Japan it was sold for the greatly reduced price of an arm, a leg, and half of your left testicle. Recently, Sony released a bundle package, the "Giga Pack". The main difference is that a Memory Stick™ with enough memory to actually be useful was added, and the price was increased to your first-born child. Also in Spring 2007, the PSP "Terra Pack" was released, giving the PSP a terrabyte of memory. Although this memory was very useful, the cost of the package was your head, plus one half of a testicle of your choice. Or if you wanted to, you could give both testicles and only give half of your head. An additional option (Though eliminated later) was to pay the $4500 fee and give only a top quarter of any testicle of your choice, and a nipple.

LocationFree Toaster

The LocationFree Toaster was introduced to make use out of the terrible, expensive feature that was the LocationFree Player. It used USB-A to Mini-B cables and a standard toaster. It used a new Bread Format, UMB to much annoyance, as the DVB Bread Format was the leading bread format used in all toasters. The LocationFree Toaster also made very good Pop-tarts and Eggos.

An Unbiased, Objective, and NPOV Comparison of the PSP to the DS

• Pretty much every handheld sucks compared to the PSP.
• Damn straight *lights up cigar*.
• There is no word for the extensive Pwnage the PSP has endured because of the DS. For the DS is more than likey the greatest creation to hit the Gaming Industry. For some reason I Like to uneccesarily capitalize Letters!!!!
• But you just say that because you are too poor to buy anything but that cheap crap DS. Is is a DS? Its so covered in crap I cant really read it anyway.
• tHE ds IS OuTSEllInG THE psp...IN BIZZARO WORLD!!!!!!!!!!
• No, the PSP totally sucks.
• The awesome 3D power of the Sony PlayStation Portable can't possibly match up to the static 2D imaging techniques and cheap touch-screen utilities of the DS. The DS kicks the sexy hard shiny PSP ass with a cheap-looking plastic foot.
• The PSP is also known as the "Piece of Shit Portable" and is made out of pure anal secks and will unleash cancer on all those who look upon it.
• I can watch porn on my PSP already.
• DS is still better.
• Nintendo DS is good for hardcore Nintendo fans that enjoy talking about how much Nintendo invented innovation and how graphics don't matter. Fuck Metal Gear Solid 4 and GTA, I want to play Pong!!
• PSP is good for graphics whores and, um. uh... Nope that's it, just graphic whores.
• DS is good for little kiddies who enjoy gimmicky features and, um. uh... Nope, that's it, just little kiddies.
• Would you rather watch porn on a PSP or molest a DS with a stick? That's a hard decision...
• The PSP was voted worst gaming system ever by Nuck Chorris...iN BIZZARO WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• The silver hard plastic armor of the DS is the perfect thing for giving PSP users concussions while you think of an imaginative place to cram the stylus... Dunno about games though...
• In Soviet Russia, the PSP buys YOU!the PSP sells YOU!!.
• In Soviet Russia, the DS pwns the PSP...YOU!!
• The PSP lacks decent, well refined games with replayability and appeal. The DS contains both. Also, you can molest a DS with a colored stick and it reacts positivly...can your mighty PSP say the same? UNLIKELY!
• In Soviet Russia, the DS molests YOU!!
• PSP or, portable sexy PDA is the BEST handheld EVER. The DS might as well be a novelty waffle iron because the psp pwns it so hard WITH LAZZERZ!!
• DS has good games and good controls. PSP has... one joy stick!? What the fuck?
• The PSP has good games and good controls. The Nintendo 64 has... one joy stick!? What the fuck?!
• Controlling 3D games on the DS is great with one d pad and your other hand holding a stick!
• Many beligerent gamers have noticed that the DS's stylus is an excellent tool for nose picking, and the handheld itself is great for catching flies due to its 'snappability'. This was an intended feature
• Many disappointed people that purchased the ds returned it after, when they took their NintenSHITzus out for a walk, it mauled 3 small children, buried a cloud and gave birth to the Antichrist.

The Mighty PSP Worship Chant

"He-ey, ho-o, wave your hands in the air likr you just don't care!...about the money you've wasted. It can play movies, music, and games...right? He-ey! Ho-o!"

Trivia

• Once in a bar fight Jack Bauer used a PSP to assault the enemy baby by sodomizing it with the PSP system.

• The baby later grew up to be Ashlee Simpson, the incident contributed to her habit of eating PSP systems with feces.

• Some say that the PSP does shut off and never come on again. They're not Lying.

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