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"Goo Goo Gai Pan" is an episode from the sixteenth season of The Simpsons. It first aired in the United States on March 13, 2005.

Synopsis

Template:Spoiler Selma gives Mr. Burns his driving test to replace his old license, which expired in 1909. During the test, she experiences a hot flush and is later taken to the hospital. Dr. Hibbert tells her that she is experiencing menopause (which is explained in a video with Robert Wagner). She is saddened that now she can't have children. Patty suggests that she adopt a child. She almost manages to adopt one of Cletus' many babies, but that falls through after Cletus reclaims the child. Lisa advises Selma to adopt a child from China. Although her forms are in order, Selma learns that she has to be married to legally get a child. When she finds out that the agency-person knows who MacGyver is, she puts down the second name she can think of : Homer Simpson.

She sponsors a trip to China for the Simpsons. While on the plane, Selma informs Homer that he must pretend to be her husband. Shocked, he later decides to do it for Marge. When they arrive, Selma claims that Bart and Lisa are their own children and Marge is their nanny. The Chinese adoption agent, Madam Wu (voiced by Lucy Liu), tells them that they will get a baby in a few days. When asked about his job in America, reasoning that he has no chance of being outed, Homer claims he is an acrobat.

As luck would have it, at an Acrobatics Show, it is announced that the main performer had a sudden attack of "outspokenness" and suffered a "bullet-related death". When people start to realise that the CCP is not infallible and start questioning everything, Homer is told to perform to forestall an impending riot. The stunt involves being catapulted onto a high stack of chairs. The stunt goes off smoothly, but Homer's over-enthusiastic chanting of "USA" causes the stack to topple and he gets severely injured performing and is treated in a hospital. There, Selma gets her daughter, whom she names Ling and who is fond of grabbing Homer's eyes. When everyone leaves, Homer and Marge snuggle. Unbenownst to them, Madam Wu is watching them through the eyes of a portrait of Chairman Mao.

As the Simpsons and Selma are about to leave, Madam Wu arrives and takes Ling away, as Homer and Selma aren't married. At the airport, The Simpsons try to console a despondent Selma. Lisa has an idea of getting Ling back. At the nursery, they dress and spray paint Homer as a cross-legged golden Buddha statue. According to the custom, the Buddha statue must be taken indoors. The Chinese guards try pushing him in, but he's too heavy. They insert a hook into his nostril and drag him inside, causing the poor kwyjibuddha much pain, which he manages to keep in. They finally decide to chop the statue up into pieces as nothing is mentioned about the Buddha being in one piece. When they leave, Homer goes inside the nursery, looking for a Chinese baby... in a Chinese nursery (not an easy task). As he looks around, a baby grabs his eyes. It's Ling! He grabs her and runs out.

The Simpsons, Selma and Ling pass through Tiananmen Square, a place where nothing happened in 1989. Suddenly, Madam Wu, in a tank, confronts them and demands the baby back. Selma decides to reason with her, bureaucrat to bureaucrat. For that, she has to sign a form. After an impassioned speech, Madam Wu agrees to allow Selma to adopt Ling. Apparently, Wu herself had been raised by her mother, as her father choked to death the day before the Heimlich maneuver was invented. The Simpsons, Selma and Ling then depart China via junk.

Trivia

• Although Selma wants to take care of a child in this episode, she had earlier decided not to bother with kids after trouble with Bart and Lisa in "Selma's Choice".
• Robert Wagner is the second celebrity this season to host a Troy McClure-esque video. The first was Gary Busey in the previous episode.
• They give no explanation to what they did with Maggie, even though they are half-way around the world.
• Homer believes China is a separate planet.
• This is one of the few times that the family isn't angrily and forcefully kicked out of a foreign country and forbidden from returning.
• The instrument the red dragon plays is a erhu, a two string chinese fiddle.

Cultural references

• When Selma says the car is too hot, Burns says it is actually cooler than Guy Lombardo, a famous Canadian band leader.
• Mr. Burns says his car once outraced the Flying Finn, Paavo Nurmi, an athlete who won 9 Gold Medals at the 1920, 1924 and 1928 Summer Olympics. Both this and the afore mentioned references are among the many Burns age jokes that have been used throughout the series.
• The dragons Homer imagines are white, gold, and red, but at the end the white one is green. That first dragon also resembles the one who appears in Spirited Away.
• The Chinese play that the Simpsons watch is clearly based on Death of a Salesman. One of the performers says Ben's trademark line, "When I was seventeen, I walked into the jungle. And by twenty-one, I walked out. And by God, I was rich!"

China references

• The title of this episode is a pun on moo goo gai pan, the name of a popular pseudo-Chinese American recipe, based on the Cantonese dish mah gu gai pin, which is composed of fresh button mushrooms and other vegetables with sliced chicken.
• China (except for Hong Kong, Taiwan and Macao) uses the Simplified Chinese characters, but many signs in this episode are clearly using Traditional Chinese. However, there are still signs that use Traditional Characters in China.
• The correct spelling of the place would be "Tian An Men", not "Tien An Men".
• When Selma stands in front of the tank piloted by Wu, the shot is highly reminiscent of the famous image of the Unknown Rebel blocking the line of tanks during the Tiananmen Square protests.
• While flying to China, the plane passes over a monument to "Warrior and spicy chicken pioneer" General Zuo Zongtang.

• The original broadcast portrayed the body of Mao Zedong covered by the flag of the Communist Party of China with the hammer and sickle (as is the case in the actual mausoleum). However, in later broadcasts the flag was substituted for the Flag of the People's Republic of China
• In the Chinese consulate the map displayed behind the consulate official shows Taiwan as a separate country, seemingly a swipe at Communist China from Simpsons creators regarding the status of Taiwan.
• There is a plaque reading, "On this spot in 1989, nothing happened", in Tiananmen Square, a reference to the Chinese Government's denial of the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre.
• In addition to being a sardonic reference to the massacre, the sign in the square ("On this site in 1989, nothing happened") is a parody of real signs. Available from catalogues, they are mock-historical plaques that say: "On this site in 1897, nothing happened."
• What's written on the adoption paper is gibberish, not Chinese, though this may be a play on the fact that computers which do not have Chinese text support installed may transcribe gibberish and random symbols in its place (mojibake).
• In one of the dialouges, Lisa says that she is pretty smart. To that comment, Madame Wu replies, "They says Tibet was pretty free"

Goofs

• The aircraft the Simpsons and Selma take to China is not capable of a trans-ocean trip.
• Homer drives a car in China, but in China, non-residents are not allowed to drive.

Quotes

• Wagner: Let's give menopause a round of "meno-plause". "Meno-plause"? I'm not saying that!

• Chinese sign: "Tian an men Square. On this site in 1989, nothing happened."

• Chinese Adoption Agent: The Chinese Government only allows wholesome married couples to adopt. No hen without cock. I apologize if that is a double entendre in your language. It is not in ours.
  Note that the word for "hen" in Chinese can also mean "whore".

• Bart: What's menopause?
  Homer: Well son, it's when the stork that brings babies gets shot by some drunken hunters.

• Homer: Wow, the Fortune cookies really are more accurate here. (Looks at fortune that says "We will take Selma's baby")

• Chinese Adoption Agent: Okay. You are Mrs. Homer Simpson. He is your soulmate and lover.
  Selma: Yes, Homer Simpson is my entire world. (pause) I love him.
  (cut to the plant, where Homer is having lunch with Lenny and Carl)
  Homer: (shivers) I just felt a chill go through my very soul.
  Lenny: Yup, the Sloppy Joes here will do that.

• Wu: (to Selma) You may keep your baby. (points to Homer) But, you! Put the panda down!
  Homer: (forcing the baby panda into his bag) Aww, but he loves me! (panda bites Homer's hand) Ow! Why you little-(strangles panda, then a larger panda, presumably the panda's mother, strangles Homer)

• Homer: (speaking to Mao Zedong's body if it were a cute baby) Awww... he looks just like a little baby that killed 60 million people. Who's a little dictator? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

• Selma: May I speak to you, bureaucrat to bureaucrat?
  Madame Wu: Yes, but first you must sign this form. Initial here. And here. And now we must find a notary.
  Chinese Soldier: Hehehe. This is Wang Po's time to shine.

• The Simpsons episodes, season 16